Mr. Rookie Trainer. Now you’re probably asking yourself why I called you that. Its because its what you are. You’re nobody I’ve even registered on my radar. You’re just a rumor, gossip that my students talk about. Speaking of my students you seem to have made quite an impression on them. You’ve not only beaten them, you’ve drastically changed the way they battle. Gotten them believing that they can win on sheer will and fighting spirit and not on tactics, strategy and statistics, which happens to be everything I’ve taught them. You’ve destroyed and corrupted them, taking everything I’ve done for them away. Just who do you think you are?! Tell me Mr. Rookie what are you qualifications? Just what have you done in your less than one month of being a Trainer? I know you have that Mystery ‘Blue’ Pokemon that’s been taking wins across Hoenn’s southeast coast, but that’s nothing, you’ve merely just been lucky enough to not fight someone me. I’ve studied and analyzed plenty of different Battling styles, studied under the best tutors Hoenn has to offer. I’m a prodigy and I’m the best to come out of The Rustboro Pokemon Trainer School since your Father. That’s right, I know about your Father Norman, lost the Hoenn League Championship and fled the Region in disgrace to run a half-decent Gym in the middle of nowhere. He taught his so-called fighting spirit to Trainers who have done absolutely nothing worthwhile. And that style he has apparently passed on to you. I will enjoy showing my students how weak, ineffective, and useless your fighting spirit truly is. You cannot break the Unbreakable Rookie. And I will show you firsthand, that I can promise you.
So while I was at Anime Midwest for a few friends I made who liked Pokemon and Wrestling (yes I found a cool combination) and I mentioned how much I hated Wallace and his clearly apparent pompous, high-class attitude (He didn’t catch that Milotic his servants did.) The mentioned how cool it would be if someone cut a promo on Wallace, Lance or Any Gym Leader or Elite Member. So I’m going to cut a promo on each Gym Leader on Each Hoenn Gym Leader leading up to the Gen 6 Remake, I know most of you won’t care and will blatantly ignore it. It’s mostly just for me and my writing skills to find that healthy medium for my interests and to get feedback.
Okay here’s the first Promo:
Roxanne, Roxanne, Roxanne. Nah I’m going to call you Roxy. I’ve been around awhile and I can’t seem to go anywhere without hearing your name. Pretty much everywhere I go, people stop to gnaw my ears off about this stern, uptight, cold, and unstoppable witch whose name is synonymous with ‘Unbreakable’. So I brought up some fun facts about you to share with the world! I’ve heard that your one of the smartest Gym leaders ever to toss a Poke-ball. That’s a fact. You’re one of the best Rock-Type Trainers on the whole planet. That’s a fact. That your Win/loss record is, like your nickname: Unbreakable. So I have to ask the question, whats a nobody like me to do against someone like that? Well I kind of have some facts about me. I don’t have any badges. Fact. I’m no Pokemon prodigy or scholar. Fact. I don’t have a cool nickname. Fact. But those aren’t the only facts, oh no sirree, I know how much you love facts and figures and statistics. I especially know how much you treasure them. But you seem to overlook these other ones. The most important fact is that you have never fought me, correction you have never fought me or my friends in true heated battle. Fact! You have never seen a passionate fighting spirit like that of me and my friends. Fact! And lastly, the most important one is that you have only been deemed ‘Unbreakable’ because no one to to this day has been able to find your breaking point and that I have never had the opportunity to do that. Fact! So we find ourselves at a dilemma Roxy. You see you have a bunch of Badges that are just sitting around collecting dust, waiting for the day I come to take one. You see, I know you don’t like not having all the facts, only being able to hypothesize and guess and not being able to claim uncertainties as fact. I am going to rectify that. I am going to do you the largest favor of your life and make you doubt what you’ve been taught, make you fallible, and for the very first time to turn a phrase: break the unbreakable. According to your statistics of possibility there’s always that one time , that small possibility, that one opportunity for my victory and your loss. One time is all I’ll need. You cannot escape that one opportunity, you cannot escape that one chance, that one possibility and you cannot and will not escape me, because that is exactly what I am! Stand tall “Unbreakable Roxanne”. All rocks turn to dust. All of them, especially the tallest! That day is coming Roxy! Its just taken you a lot longer than others to fall and crumble.
Now time for for a mildly depressing post. For those of you who don’t know me, I am a immense pessimist, but only for myself. I try to get others to to look at the bright side of things and its not that I don’t believe in better days and better times, just not for me. I now its weird and hypocritical but its just a massive habit I can’t seem to break.
Have I thought about suicide? Yes I have, basically when my mother died and even before, because I couldn’t comprehend somebody caring about me as much as she did. Still can’t most days. I don’t know why I don’t just give up most days. Just like quit, because every moment I feel like I’m waiting for something. For those have the go out and reach and and find it and grasp change approach, it doesn’t feel like that kind of change, not the kinda change, that you can just go out and find. I know it isn’t. It feels like I’m just supposed to wait and when it happens I’ll know. But I hate waiting for it, its beyond agonizing and sheer torture.
At dark times i just wanna quit, I’m tired of staring at couples and seeing the love in their eyes, I’m tired of watching my love interests stay disinterested and choose others who turn out to be dreadfully wrong for them and I’m not even saying I’m the one for them, I just hate being front row to that show, only to be moved straight to the back behind a pillar, if you comprehend me.
I’m going to start making some changes and hope they lead to something different, but guys like me and change, mostly it isn’t that great of an outcome. But I’ll try it out regardless, gotta be better than nothing or quitting.
Post Convention Depression. A condition that tends to hit convention attendees after a weekend of nonstop epicness, sweetness, and overall awesomeness. It usually tends to immediately hit attendees when they are hit with a massive dose of reality. You see, Anime, Comic, and Sci-Fi Conventions have a tendency to contain their attendee in a bubble of immense comfort, euphoria, and bliss. Surrounding them with like-minded people which for most people (me) are hard to find and meet normally. Depriving them of reality from the moment they set foot inside them. Thus when the convention ends, its hits them much harder than it normally would outside of the convention.
For me, this time its hit me pretty hard, I been going to conventions since 2010 and its never fails to effect me. I usually miss my friends every time in the following days, the new friends I make and regret all the friends I didn’t make. I always feel like crud because conventions never fail to make me extraordinarily awesome. I turn into a different person when I go to these places. I meet incredible people, I have massive moments of self-confidence and lose my normal inhibitions, have a great time and make memories I’ll never forget. In fact, one such person I met at one of these conventions inspired to do do this blog.
But like I said it never fails to hit me with a hard dose of reality. I never fail to think about the steps I’ve taken and where I’m going next. I wonder what would it take for me to feel like this outside of conventions. I also think about my life in a harder manner than I normally would and what I should do to change it and make it better, and due to my frequent self-imposed pessimism how I can make it worse by not doing anything. A group of my close friend go to more conventions than I do on a much more frequent basis, but I’m happy going to Cons on the schedule I’ve made for myself so I never take them for granted. Because whenever I feel down or horrible cons always lighten my heart no matter whats going on at the time. They also help me make changes in my life and analyze what I’ve doing right and what I’m doing wrong. I’m thankful for each convention I go to and I hope this feeling both the good and the bad stay with me for many years to come.
Have you ever wondered how to act around someone your attracted to? I ain’t no expert or genius on the subject, but I thought I’d jot down a few things so others aren’t alone in their concerns and maybe bring up some thoughts others haven’t thought of. Today I’m just gonna write one and each time I think of one I’ll jot it down.
1: Talking to someone you’re attracted to
One thing for me is when you’re attracted to someone, how do you go about talking to them? Now for self-conscious nerds like me that part is still difficult. For me, even working up the courage to talk to an attractive person is still hard and downright terrifying. But all is not lost for me, I can still make an effort to talk to them, but when I do, I get extremely anxious about making the next effort afterwords. What if their busy? Or worse annoyed at my feeble attempt to talk to them? This is something I worry about every time I make an effort to talk to said people. I worry about each and every day. Also finding something to talk about once you’ve sparked a conversation. Sometimes I think wow I finally got the words out, I’ve done it, and then once the normal trivialities are over with, like saying hello, how was your day?, how’s the weather and whatnot. And then sudden they something that doesn’t lead into something else and bland and all you draw is a big fat blank. So what do you say? Me I usually say something equally generic and bland and all you get is silence. And then I try to say something else and the conversation leads nowhere and your left felling like all you did was annoy and bother said person. Next, you sit and wonder what the heck you were thinking in even trying to talk to them. Story of my life.
So Ambition, I find myself lacking it lately. I wake up each morning, eat breakfast, watch anime, and then head to work, come home, eat dinner, watch TV or play video games, fall asleep, and do it all over again. Sad right? I know. I think about it every day. People tell me, well pick something and do it. My loving aunt wants me to go to a technical college where I can do just that. I don’t have to worry about paying for it, I have that covered. Heck I could probably go to a normal college and not worry about it. But why don’t I just dive in and do it?
I’ve grown massively content with my current life, its easy, I don’t really want much out of life outside of love and the occasional book game, anime or TV show. But then I always think back to how I’ll be able to provide for one I love, which is what I wanna be able to do for her, no matter who she might be (that and possible progeny that might spin out of said relationship with said she).
I don’t honestly know why I can’t get my engine running, I don’t wanna pick something and then hate it in 20 years (if I even live that long), I want it to be something I care about and can see myself doing til the day I die, and make enough to provide for my loved ones. But I also have a massive fear of failure, that feeling just not being good enough, its a fear that I have yet to get over.
I have passions, I love professional wrestling to where I would literally take any job that would allow me to be apart of it, but I also love writing, and I have a lot of stories to share with the world, I have an But when it comes to writing, from what I have written and typed up its been lackluster, and mediocre. I don’t take criticism well, not i like the anger sense but I take it where it just depresses me and I stop. That and I consistently tell myself that if I had a writing partner or artist (for the comic book idea anyway) to help urge me and work with, I’d be able to at least be able to have someone put that proverbial gun to my head and get me working. I know that’s a selfish thought though, I don’t wanna be a constant burden on somebody.
Professional wrestling is pretty much the obvious things that people think about. Getting hurt, constantly being on the road, making enough (people in professional wrestling don’t make a lot of money outside of the big companies), and lastly I’m not that physically fit. I didn’t play a lot of sports in my final years of high school and I’m massively out of shape, commentating really appeals to me though, I know more than the average fan when it comes to the ins and outs of professional wrestling. But once again there are problems. Jobs in that particular fashion are hard to come by no matter where I’d go.
I seem to be completely bogged down by negativity when it comes to my future, I just need something, something to get me going again, some kind of spark, that’s it. Just a tiny little spark to light the fire that’s gone dormant in me. I don’t know what that spark may be, I just hope i can find a way to light it and spread that fire into my future.
Have you ever seen someone or met someone or be forced to watch someone you know you’d be great friends with or God forbid more than friends with? That is me with several people I have encountered. Some have acknowledged me and then blatantly ignored me for reasons unknown, others have talked to me in the beginning then dropped off the face of the Earth for again reasons unknown, some actually respond and I get close to are either emotionally distant or mostly physically distant and the rest are most likely due to my massive fears of rejection or embarrassment at the thought of me even trying lead me to not even engage at all.
My luck with these people only leads me further down a road leading the total cliche’ of the stereotypical Lonely Nerd as I have defined myself. I condemn myself to the feelings of loneliness and self-loathing over and over again as I watch the people around me grow closer together while stand on the sidelines watching others be happy while time passes me by, driving me further into myself and losing hope even more.
All my friends and family tell me I’ll find someone tomorrow, tomorrow, but I keep asking myself why not now? But how do you find someone like yourself when your likes are already so rare? I don’t know what to do when I feel like this when I’m trapped in the abyss of myself. The only thing i can do is go off my bare instinct, which is to keep on going, keep on looking, and hopefully I’ll grow a spine with some of them.